Why Does My Child Have Big Reactions to Small Problems?

Children often have big reactions to small problems. What seems insignificant, such as not being able to drink from their preferred cup, can often lead to tears, shouting, anger or a full meltdown.

From an adult’s perspective, these strong reactions can be difficult to understand, and we may label them as inappropriate or naughty. However, it can be helpful to remember that from a child’s perspective, the size of the problem and the size of the feeling aren't necessarily the same thing.

Why do children have big reactions to small problems?

Children are still developing the skills they need to manage big feelings, such as frustration and disappointment. This is partly because the prefrontal cortex, an area of the brain involved in higher-order thinking skills, including emotional regulation, is still developing throughout childhood. Essentially, this means that while a child may understand that something is a small problem, they may not yet have the self-regulation skills to manage the feelings it creates.

There can also be other things going on beneath the surface of the immediate reaction. They might be:

• Tired or hungry
• Feeling overwhelmed
• Struggling with a change or transition
• Finding it difficult when something doesn't go as expected
• Worried about something else
• Dealing with lots of demands during the day
• Struggling to put their feelings into words
• Finding it difficult to stop one activity and move on to another

Sometimes the small problem is simply the final straw.

This is why it can be useful to look beneath the surface-level behaviour and ask questions such as, “What might be making this feel so difficult for my child right now?”

For example, your child comes home following a day of managing the academic, social and sensory demands of school. They ask for their favourite snack, but you’ve run out.

On the surface, this might look like a small disappointment. However, when we consider everything that they have had to manage that day (lessons, social interactions, noise, transitions), the disappointment may be the final straw after a difficult or demanding day.

The takeaway message is that a big emotional reaction doesn't mean your child is being naughty, manipulative or deliberately overreacting. Children can have very strong feelings about things that seem insignificant to adults.

How can I teach my child to cope with small problems?

Firstly, it’s important to wait for a child to calm before explaining about reaction sizes. When a child is very distressed, their emotional state can make it much harder for them to access the thinking and problem-solving skills they normally have. This means they are unlikely to be able to take on board a verbal explanation about the size of their reaction at that moment. I have written more about this here. I have also written an article about ways to help children regulate their emotions, which you can read here.

If your child is overwhelmed, focus on helping them become calm.

Once your child is calm, you can start helping them understand that problems come in different sizes.

The idea of "size of the problem" is a useful social problem-solving skill that helps children to learn to look at what has happened, consider how big the problem is, and think about what they could do next, rather than simply reacting to the intensity of their emotions.

For example, if another child is using the crayon they wanted, they might feel frustrated or angry. But rather than immediately reacting to those feelings, they can learn to pause and think:

• What is the problem?
• How big is the problem?
• Can I solve it myself?
• Do I need help?
• What could I do?
• How might my response affect someone else?

This doesn't mean that children will always be able to calmly work through a problem.  When distressed, it can be much harder for them to access the social problem solving skills they normally have. That's another reason why it's useful to teach and practise these skills while your child is calm.

Over time, this process can help children develop the ability to pause, think, assess a situation and choose how to respond. These are important self-regulation and problem-solving skills that children can use across many different situations.

What does "size of the problem" look like?

You can introduce the idea by talking about different-sized problems. For example:

Small problem:
Someone is using the crayon you wanted.

Medium-sized problem:
You've lost something important and can't find it.

Big problem:
Someone is hurt or in danger.

You can then talk about possible responses. For a small problem, your child might be able to solve it without support by choosing another crayon, waiting or asking politely for a turn.

For a medium-sized problem, they might need to talk to their friend, compromise or seek help from an adult.

A big problem may require an adult to step in.

The aim isn't to teach children that they shouldn't feel upset about small problems. Their feelings are real and should be acknowledged. Instead, we're helping them understand that the size of a problem, the size of a feeling, and the response we choose are not necessarily the same thing. A strong feeling doesn't always require a strong reaction, and that there may be different ways to respond to a problem.

Resources to help

If you'd like to help your child develop their problem-solving, emotional regulation and social skills, you may find these resources helpful.

Frequently asked questions

Why does my child overreact to small things?
Children can have big reactions to small problems when they are tired, overwhelmed, or frustrated. Sometimes a small problem is simply the final straw after a difficult day.

How can I help my child with big reactions?
Help your child calm down first, acknowledge their feelings and talk about the situation when they are calm. Over time, practise identifying problems, considering solutions and choosing responses that fit the situation.

How do I teach my child that a problem is small?
Talk about different-sized problems when your child is calm. Use everyday examples and ask questions such as “How big is the problem?” and “What could you do about it?” Avoid dismissing their feelings simply because the problem seems small to you.

When should I be concerned about my child's big reactions?
If emotional outbursts are frequent, becoming more intense, affecting family life or school, or involve your child hurting themselves or others, it may be worth discussing your concerns with a relevant professional.