Helping Children Adjust to Two Homes After Divorce

For many children, learning to live between two homes is one of the biggest adjustment after their parents separate. Children need to adjust to their parents living apart and not being able to see both of them every day. There are also new routines, different rules, belongings to remember and regular goodbyes.

How a child manages going back and forth between two homes can vary significantly and is affected by a range of factors, including the child’s age and social-emotional development, the distance between the two homes, the relationship they have with the parents, and the degree of cooperation between the parents.

Living between two homes can be a significant adjustment for children, no matter what approach parents try, but there are ways to help children adjust to life between two homes.

1. Help your child feel at home in both houses

One of the simplest ways to help children adjust is to make sure they don't feel like a visitor in either home. If you can, give your child their own space and allow them to choose things for it, as this can help them to create a sense of belonging and new memories. If this isn’t possible, a good alternative might be a special corner or a personalised drawer or box to keep their belongings between visits.

Have everyday essentials in both homes, such as clothes and toiletries, books and school supplies, favourite toys or comfort items, and a familiar bedtime routine.

It’s important to remember that the two homes don’t need to be identical and can have different routines, different decorations and different rules. The key thing is that the child feels a strong sense of belonging in both homes.

2. Make moving between homes easier

For some children, transitioning between homes can be difficult. They may become upset before or during the handover, forget belongings, or struggle to settle when they arrive. Here are a few simple things that can make the transition smoother.

Firstly, make the routine predictable. A calendar can help children understand where they will be and when. For younger children and those with additional learning needs, a visual timetable may also be helpful. Ensure that visuals are placed in a visible area, such as on a fridge in the kitchen.

Give your child advance notice before the handover. Knowing what's happening next can make transitions feel less overwhelming. This also ties in well with the calendar and visual timetable.

Create familiar routines. A consistent arrival routine and bedtime help to increase structure and predictability, both of which can help children to settle faster.

Keep important things in both homes. This reduces the need for constant packing and helps to reinforce their sense of belonging.

And remember that a child becoming upset at handover doesn't automatically mean they don't want to see the other parent. They may simply be finding the transition difficult.

3. Help your child to tell you how they feel

Children often don’t have the emotional vocabulary to communicate how they’re feeling and what they find difficult about living between two homes. This is especially true for younger children. When children lack the vocabulary to verbalise their thoughts and feelings, they may express them through behaviours instead. This might include behaviours such as physically lashing out, running, hiding, reluctance to leave, frustration or tears. 

Younger children may benefit from visuals such as emotion cards to express their emotions. You can also try techniques such as emotion coaching or the ‘wondering aloud’ technique to help your child put their feelings into words without making them feel pressured to answer. Here’s an example conversation:

Parent:

“Hmm… I wonder what it’s like for you when it’s time to leave Mum’s house and come to Dad’s house. Maybe part of you feels excited to see Dad, and maybe another part of you feels sad about leaving Mum.” 

Child:

“I don’t like leaving Mum.”

Parent:

“I wonder if saying goodbye feels harder on some days than others.”

Child:

“Yeah. Especially when we were watching a film.”

Parent:

“I can imagine that. I wonder if sometimes you wish you could stay in both homes at the same time.”

Child:

“Yeah.”

Parent:

“That makes sense. You love both of us, and moving between homes can sometimes feel a bit strange. You don't have to choose between us.”

The Divorce House worksheet: helping your child explore two homes

Sometimes it's difficult to know what your child is actually experiencing. That's why I created the Divorce House worksheet. The worksheet shows two homes joined by a rainbow of hope. The rainbow gives the child a place to record their hopes, happy thoughts and things they can look forward to, creating a positive connection between their two homes. Inside each house, children can explore what makes that home special to them. The idea is to help children think about each home as somewhere they belong, while also giving parents an insight into what makes each home feel safe, special and familiar to their child. They can include:

• Who lives there
• Their parent's name
• Their favourite spot
• How they feel
• What they do for fun
• Things they like to have
• The main rules of the house
• Something special they do there
• What helps them calm down

The “calm down” section is represented by chimney smoke, giving children a visual way to think about what helps them when they feel sad, angry, worried or overwhelmed.

There is also a list of feeling words to help children identify and express how they feel about living between two homes.

If you'd like to use the Divorce House worksheet with your child, you can find it here:

 

There are no right or wrong answers. The two homes don’t have to look alike. The rules can be different. The favourite spots can be different. The things your child enjoys can be different. All of that is okay because the purpose of the exercise is to help your child recognise what makes each home feel like home.

The worksheet can be completed together, or your child can work through it independently and chat to you about it afterwards.

You may discover things you didn't know. Perhaps your child finds a particular routine reassuring. Maybe they miss something when they're away from one home. Perhaps they've found a simple solution to something that has been bothering them. 

Frequently asked questions

How can I help my child adjust to two homes after divorce?

Create consistent and predictable routines. Keep familiar belongings in both homes. Give your child a sense of belonging in each house and regularly ask them how they’re finding the arrangement. Most importantly, reassure them that they don't have to choose between their parents.

Is it normal for a child to dislike moving between two homes?

Yes. Even children who are happy in both homes can find transitions difficult. Saying goodbye, changing routines and leaving one parent can all stir up big emotions. Talking with your child about what makes transitions easier can help you find practical solutions.

Should children have the same rules in both homes?

Some consistency between the two homes can make transitions easier, especially for younger children, but the rules and routines don’t have to be identical. What tends to help is consistency around the things that give them a sense of predictability and security, for example, bedtime routines, screen time, transitions, and important boundaries. The key thing is that they feel safe, secure and loved in both.

How can I make my child feel at home in both houses?

If possible, give them their own space. If this isn’t possible, a good alternative might be a special corner or a personalised drawer or box to keep their belongings between visits. Familiar routines and belongings can help. It's also important to let your child know that they belong in both homes and don't have to choose between their parents.

What can I do if my child struggles to talk about living between two homes?

Don't force a conversation. Try low-pressure activities such as ‘wondering aloud’, drawing or simple questions to make it easier for them to express themselves. The Divorce House worksheet provides a structured, child-friendly way to explore what they like, what they find difficult and what helps them feel comfortable in each home.