The Circle of Control With Children

What do the weather, other people’s thoughts and feelings, and world events have in common? They’re all things we can’t control. Even so, that doesn’t stop us or our children from worrying about them. Whilst we cannot remove every challenge from our child’s lives, we can give them tools to manage those challenges in healthy ways, and one of the most effective is the Circle of Control.

What Is the Circle of Control?

The Circle of Control is a simple visual tool that helps us distinguish between the things we can and cannot control. Its origins can be traced back to Stephen Covey's influential book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, in which Covey divided the matters of life into three nested circles: the Circle of Control, the Circle of Influence, and the Circle of Concern.

The Circle of Control

The innermost circle, the Circle of Control, includes the things that belong to us, including our own choices, actions and responses. These include:

• Our attitude
• Our words
• Our behaviour
• The effort we put into tasks
• How we respond to difficult situations
  

For example, a child experiencing friendship problems can stay calm, apologise if needed, listen, and choose kind words. A child who is worried about a test can control whether they revise, ask for help, get a good night’s sleep, and try their best.

The Circle of Influence

Next comes the circle of influence, which includes the things we can influence indirectly. These might include:

• How we encourage others
• The example we set
• Our relationships
• The impact we have on our community
• Group decisions
  
• How we solve problems together
  

For the child experiencing friendship problems can ask if their friend would like to talk, show kindness, and give their friend space. Whilst they cannot make their friend forgive them, they are able to influence the situation through their own actions.

The Circle of Concern

Finally, the outermost Circle of Concern includes the things children may worry about but cannot control. These might include:

• Other people's behaviour
• What others think about them
• The weather
• Past mistakes
• Unexpected changes
  
• World events

For the child experiencing friendship problems, they cannot control whether their friend forgives them or wants to be their friend again.

Why is the Circle of Control Helpful?

It's easy for children and adults to spend a lot of time worrying about things they can't change. This is what makes The Circle of Control so powerful: it helps us to shift our attention back towards the things we can control or influence. By doing so, children begin to understand that whilst they cannot always control what happens to them, they can choose how they respond. Using the Circle of Control also helps children to develop:

• Self-awareness
• Emotional regulation
• Self-management
• Problem-solving skills
• Resilience
  
• Responsible decision-making

The underlying idea of the circle of control also aligns with other psychological concepts such as Julian B. Rotter’s theory of the locus of control. Rotter's research showed that people who believe they have some control over their own actions and outcomes (an internal locus of control) are often more resilient, motivated and able to cope with challenges than those who perceive their lives are at the mercy of external events.

How Parents And Educators Can Use It

The Circle of Control is most helpful when used as part of everyday conversations rather than something that is only used during difficult moments. Useful questions might include:

• "Is this something you can control?"
• "What part of this situation belongs to you?"
• "Can you influence this in any way?"
• "What could you do next?"
• "What would help you feel more in control?"

Over time, children may begin to ask themselves these questions independently.

A simple activity is to ask the child to draw three nested circles: the Circle of Control (Things I can do), the Circle of Influence (things I might be able to affect through my actions), and the Circle of Concern (Things I care about but cannot change). Then, ask the child to sort different worries into the circles before choosing one positive action they could take today.

Explore our Circle of Control resources here:

Further Reading

Covey, S. R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Simon & Schuster.

Rotter, J. B. (1966). Generalized expectancies for internal versus external control of reinforcement. Psychological Monographs, 80(1), 1–28.